I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
