i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
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I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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