I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
