woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
