The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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