I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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