Moan for me like Helen Keller
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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