Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
