just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
