smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
