If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
