Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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