well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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