Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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