Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
