You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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