I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He felt like a one man threesome
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
