Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
