When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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