dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
