Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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