Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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