man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
