Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover