I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
