If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
