So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
