Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
