Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just want to make out with him forever
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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