dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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