Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
