yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
