Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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