Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
