He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
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If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
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I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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