I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
