You can't special order awesome
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
