nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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