Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
