Betty ford says i'm here all night
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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