the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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