i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
