After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
3 2 1 whiskey
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
