dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
