I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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