seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
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You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
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The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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