Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
