the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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