How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
