I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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