I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
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That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear