just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.