You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
that's an acceptable place to lick
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.