if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
