Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Is Oprah even human
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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