Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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